The 4077th meets Middle Earth
by twin03
Summary: M*A*S*H in Middle Earth! The characters of M*A*S*H take over Middle Earth! This is meant to be fun, but not ridiculous. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This is a M*A*S*H/LOTR crossover. The M*A*S*H characters replace the LOTR characters. I intend to go through all three of the books and follow the storyline pretty closely, using primarily the books, not the movie (spoilers in later chapters). If there are any M*A*S*H characters you'd like to see, please let me know. I will publish a list of characters in later chapters, as they appear. Constructive criticism and reviews are appreciated. Disclaimer: I own none of LOTR or M*A*S*H characters.  
  
It was Henry Blake's eleventy-first birthday. There had been extensive planning, and many headaches. Colonel Sherman Potter had provided fireworks, obviously magical, even a dragon! Henry's young nephew, BJ Hunnicutt, was there. It was his thirty-third birthday; he was coming of age. During the long speech after dinner, Henry could be seen playing with something in his pocket. After he finished his speech, he abruptly disappeared in a flash of blinding light. A few minutes later, Potter found him at Bag End.  
  
"Hey Sherman, thanks for your help tonight. That flash was quite impressive, but why did you do it?"  
  
"That ring has been a secret between us for many years; I don't we should reveal it now. The flash gives the other Hobbits a way to explain it."  
  
"I feel old, Sherman. I'm ready for a rest. I want to travel again. I've left everything for BJ."  
  
"Well, then, I suppose it's time for you to be going. By everything, you do mean the ring, as well, don't you? Where is it?  
  
"It's in an envelope on the mantel. Oh, no! It's in my pocket. Anyway, it's mine. It came to me. Why shouldn't it stay there?"  
  
"I think it's time for you to leave it, Henry."  
  
"You just want it for yourself, don't you!? You can't have it! It is mine! My precious!"  
  
"You're not the first one to call it that, old friend. Leave it behind."  
  
It took more badgering, but eventually Blake left the ring. He was met by three dwarves, and they walked off into the night.  
  
Years later, Colonel Potter returned to tell BJ the story of the ring. After casting it into the fire, he was able to read the words inscribed on it:  
  
"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,  
  
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."  
  
It was the One Ring, created to rule all the others. It was found by Sergeant Rizzo, who was later known as Gollum, then passed to Henry Blake during his great journey, then eventually to BJ. When BJ asked Potter to take the ring, he refused, for he didn't want to be tempted by it. At that, BJ was resigned to take the Ring from the Shire. Suddenly, Potter paused, then reached out the window and pulled up Radar O'Reilly.  
  
"What do you think you were doing out there, Radar? Were you eavesdropping on us?"  
  
"Golly gee, no, sir, I wasn't eavesdropping. No sir, I wouldn't do that, honest! Well, there have been a few times, but I wasn't eavesdropping now!" Radar squealed.  
  
"What did you hear, Radar?"  
  
"I didn't hear no nothing, no sir! Well, I heard something about a ring, and the end of the world and all, but I won't say anything, honest! Don't put me on KP!"  
  
"No, I don't think I'll do that, but I do think you'll need to go with BJ. Don't say a word to anyone—you hear?—not a word!"  
  
"Yes sir, I'll do that sir. I promise!"  
  
With that, Potter let him go.  
  
After several months and the selling of Bag End to the distant, unwelcomed relatives from the Navy*, BJ, Radar, a friend from Buckland, Trapper McIntyre, and another friend, Corporal Klinger, gathered at Bag End and prepared to leave. Klinger was a Took, and most people blamed his cross-dressing on that. They had told the rest of the Shire that BJ was moving to Buckland, so his disappearance wouldn't be as suspicious. They downed the last of the good wine, loathe to leave it for the Navy. They had hoped Col. Potter would return before they had to leave Bag End, but the North Koreans would accept no delays, so they were forced to leave without him.  
  
A few hours after they set out, Radar suddenly spoke up, "There's someone coming!" A few minutes later, everyone else heard it. Someone was definitely approaching.  
  
"It may be Col. Potter, but let's not count on it," said BJ. "Let's get off the road." They hid in a hollow below the road. After a minute, a sniper approached, dressed in all black. BJ's hand was drawn toward the ring hanging on a chain around his neck, but he was able to pull his hand down. The sniper eventually left, and a few minutes after that, the hobbits emerged from their hiding places. After that, they were sure to stay a stone's throw off the road.  
  
After many other adventures, the travelers reached Bree. After gaining entrance to the city from the gatekeeper, they found their way to Rosie's Inn. The room was dark and filled with Men. Rosie met them at the door. "Hello. I be with you in one moment." She bustled off, and returned a moment later. BJ gave her a false name. "I do have some hobbit- sized rooms. I get someone to show you. Go ahead and eat. Just don't make a mess."  
  
The travellers sat down to eat, and Klinger and Trapper both downed plenty of Rosie's good beer. After a while, Klinger got up to get another beer, and started chatting with some of the Men at the bar. A slip of the tongue revealed BJ's identity, and BJ got up on a table and started singing a silly song to keep him from saying any more. He slipped on the table, and just happened to be playing with the ring (now in his pocket) at the moment. He fell to the floor and disappeared.  
  
A moment later, he was met by a dark-haired Man, known to the Bree folk as Hawkeye. "That wasn't a good idea, BJ Hunnicutt. Yes, I know who you are. Now, if you don't mind, I think we need to have a private chat. Don't you agree?"  
  
Eventually, a tentative peace was reached, though none of the Hobbits really trusted Hawkeye. On his advice, they made hobbit-shaped lumps in their beds and all stayed in his room as four of the Black Snipers silently entered the hobbit's room and shot many rounds into the lumps. There was a scream of frustration when they found only clothes and pillows, but they left Bree after that.  
  
* If you haven't read the books, you may not have heard about the Sackville-Baginses. They were annoying relatives who, above all, wanted to get their grubby hands on Bag End, preferably for much less than it was worth. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I do have a plan for Frank, but you'll have to wait and see.  
  
In true Tolkein style, I've added a character list as an appendix. This will be updated as characters are introduced.  
  
Hawkeye woke the Hobbits in the morning. "I know it's way too early to be up, but get up anyway. Come on, guys. Trapper, you're not the only one with a hangover. Get up!" Grumbling, the hobbits got up and they were on their way. They stayed off the road, and somehow still managed to not get lost.  
  
Eventually, they reached Weathertop, and Hawkeye went to scout. BJ fell asleep, and woke some time later to the sound of frying bacon. "You idiots! Put that fire out! Those snipers may still be out there!" He stamped out the fire, but soon heard the snipers approaching. There were five now. The hobbits retreated to the top of the tower and huddled together, clutching sticks and small swords. Hawkeye returned just in time to save them, but BJ was stabbed. Hawkeye kneeled over him and examined the wound. "I don't have the equipment to deal with this here." He treated the wound with the herb athelas, which slowed the effects of the poison. They traveled for a few days, then were met by Smilin' Jack, who took the injured BJ with him to Rivendell. Six snipers chased them the whole way, but once they crossed the river and the snipers entered it, a great flood swept them away.  
  
BJ woke several days later. Col. Potter was sitting by his bed. "Colonel! Where were you?"  
  
"Sorry, BJ. I had a bit of a hold-up. I got here as soon as I could. I had a meeting with the higher-ups that didn't go very well."  
  
"Where am I?" BJ asked.  
  
"You're in Rivendell. You've been asleep for several days. Radar has barely left your side. I sent him to take a bath a few minutes ago. Whether or not that happens, at least it got him out of here for a bit. If I keep yakking, Sidney Freedman will have my head. It's thanks to him you're alive. He runs this whole shindig. I'm sure he'll be in after a bit."  
  
A moment later, Klinger, Trapper, and Radar (freshly washed and hating it) came in. They were overjoyed that BJ was awake. Eventually, there was a knock. Potter answered it, then chased Klinger, Trapper and Radar out of the room, and Sidney Freedman entered. "How are you doing, BJ? I'm glad to see you awake. It was touch and go for a while. I'll be calling a council later on to decide what to do about the Ring. Until then, rest up. You still have a lot of healing to do."  
  
A while later, Sidney Freedman called a council to discuss what would become of the ring. Henry Blake looked a little uncomfortable. He was used to making medical decisions, but this was out of his league. This would decide the future of people he didn't even know. BJ wasn't much happier about it. He knew few of the people. From his seat next to Henry, he saw Hawkeye and Colonel Potter, but the rest of the faces were unfamiliar. His eyes came to rest on a large, balding man. But it wasn't his size that had caught BJ's eye. It was his expression. As if his heritage made him superior to the rest. Sidney began introductions, naming him as Charles Emerson Winchester, III, son of the Steward of Gondor. Next, his eyes fell on a quiet, slender man. He carried a long bow, and despite his meekness, BJ saw in him a quiet strength to deal with almost any challenge. He was Father John Francis Patrick Mulcahy, and a prince among the Northern Elves. Next Freedman turned to a Dwarf he called Scully. BJ got the impression that this Dwarf was not one to follow anyone else's rules.  
  
Sidney had BJ set the ring on a table in the middle of the council. As Freedman started to tell the history of the ring, BJ felt more and more overwhelmed. This thing was bigger than anyone there, bigger even than the Winchester in Winchester's mind. After finishing the story of the ring, Freedman said, "Gentlemen, this thing has to be destroyed, or we're all goners."  
  
Scully got up and said, "Then let's do it NOW!" With that, he got up and took out his axe. He struck the ring and was thrown backwards in a explosion akin to a land mine.  
  
"Scully, that won't work," Sidney told him. "The only way to destroy this thing is to throw it into Mount Doom."  
  
"Why does it have to be destroyed at all?" Winchester asked. "We can use it ourselves. I, for one, would be strong enough to wield it. We could use the enemy's ring against him!"  
  
"None of us are strong enough to wield it, including you, Winchester," Hawkeye said. "I promise you, it won't work. We must take the ring to Mount Doom and destroy it."  
  
"And what would a ruffian like you know?" Winchester was at his haughtiest.  
  
"I think you should know who you're talking to, Winchester. This is Benjamin Franklin Pierce, heir to the throne of Gondor. He is your rightful king." Mulcahy's voice was soft, but his tone left no room for discussion.  
  
"Gondor has no need of a king. The Stewards have cared for it better than any king could! It is thanks to the Winchester family that all of your realms are safe. Without us, you would all be dead or fleeing for your lives!"  
  
Not impressed by Winchester's bragging, Mulcahy said, "Who will take the ring to Mount Doom? It must be done."  
  
Scully was indignant. "I'll be dead before I see an Elf take it!" At that, the council fell into argument, Hawkeye defending Mulcahy, Winchester trying to convince everyone he could bear the ring…essentially, everyone was yelling at everyone else.  
  
BJ and Potter sat quietly in their places, watching the fuss. As BJ sat and listened, his frustration grew. Something had to be done, and this squabbling would accomplish nothing. It was painfully obvious no decision would come of this argument. BJ got up from his place and quietly said, "I will take it." At first, no one heard him. At Potter's encouragement, he repeated himself, a little louder. After Hawkeye yelled for quiet, BJ was finally heard. "I will take the ring to Mordor, but I don't know the way."  
  
At this, Hawkeye knelt in front of him and said, "I'm with you, Beej. Whatever it takes." With this, he stood up and moved behind the Hobbit, resting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"I'm with you, too!" Mulcahy said, coming over to stand by the two.  
  
"You need more support than that. I'll go with you." Scully said.  
  
Not to be outdone, Winchester spoke up. "If it must be done, then the Winchesters will see it done. A Winchester never shirks his duty."  
  
"Nine companions…I think that works. You will be the Fellowship of the Ring. Nine companions to resist the Nine Snipers." With that, one of the most unlikely strike teams ever was assembled.  
  
The company was dismissed to rest. After dinner, Hawkeye was wandering the gardens of Rivendell. He saw a golden haired woman.  
  
"Margaret!" He rushed to embrace her. After a moment, he pulled back just far enough to look at her. "Margaret, it's been too long." He kissed her lightly.  
  
"Is it true, that the One Ring has been found and that you're to help take it to Mordor? Hawkeye, why do you have to be such a hero?"  
  
"You know I have to go. If that Ring isn't destroyed, it'll be the death of us all."  
  
"I know, I know. I just wish you didn't have to go on that mission."  
  
"Yeah, me too."  
  
"Hold me, Hawkeye."  
  
He held her for a long time. Eventually, she stepped back. I suppose you'd better get some rest. You won't have much of a chance to sleep once you're on the road." He kissed her again, a long and somewhat desperate kiss. Eventually, he let her go and she went inside. He stood outside thinking for a while, then went inside. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. This is the final chapter for FOTR. Chapter 4 will begin TTT. Please continue to R&R!  
  
The company set out and traveled many days. Eventually they came to the Misty Mountains. Potter insisted they attempt to cross Caradhas. They all carried firewood up the mountain, and all save Mulcahy struggled through the snow. BJ figured it had to be related to walking on water. Hawkeye and Winchester fought their way through the snow ahead of the Hobbits and Scully, creating a path for the smaller ones. Winchester only agreed to this after realizing it was the only way for him to get out of the cold. After a few hours Hawkeye was almost ready to kill Winchester (to shut him up), and might have, except that he needed Winchester's half-hearted attempts at moving the snow. A storm arose that was so fierce it could not be natural. Potter said, "This is worse than the winter of 2975*! This can't be natural. It has to be the work of Frank Burns. He was chief of the wizards, but has allied himself with the enemy. There's no way we'll be able to pass."  
  
The company worked their way back down the mountain, then sat down and debated what to do.  
  
"Why don't we simply go through the Gap of Rohan? We can get help from Gondor! It would be so much simpler," Winchester whined.  
  
"We can't take the Ring that close to Burns, Winchester." Winchester looked offended at Potter's rebuke, but didn't say any more.  
  
"We can go through Moria! My cousin will welcome us!" Scully looked excited, but the others were doubtful.  
  
They debated the issue for a few minutes, then Hawkeye spoke up, "Let's let the Ring-bearer decide. Beej?"  
  
All eyes turned to Hunnicutt. There was no good choice, yet the choice was left to him. He knew nothing of these places; he wasn't qualified to make this decision! Nevertheless, the decision had to be made, even though it would mean life or death for the company. BJ sighed heavily. "We go through the Mines."  
  
Potter's eyes widened, but he nodded. "Let's go, folks. The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be out of there."  
  
The company made their way to the gates of Moria. They appeared unmarked at first, but the light of the moon made markings and words visible. Potter translated the Elvish words: "Speak, friend, and enter." When asked what it meant, he said, "If you're a friend, you'll know the password. Why didn't they get me the new code book?" he fumed. He tried many Elvish words, but couldn't get the door to open.  
  
"It's a riddle," BJ said. "What could it mean?"  
  
Klinger, bored, picked up a rock and threw it into the pool in front of the door. He grabbed another one, but Hawkeye stopped him. "That water gives me the creeps. Don't disturb it."  
  
Just then, BJ piped up, "Colonel, what's the Elvish word for friend?"  
  
"What's that son? Oh, friend. It's mellon." With that, the doors opened.  
  
Unfortunately, Klinger's rock had awakened something in the pool. After a fight with the Watcher, the company was forced into the Mines. A cave-in behind them left no way out. BJ marveled that this group fought so well. Few of them really seemed to be warriors, and yet they did what they had to. Potter used his staff to light the room, and all stared in horror at the bodies littering the floor.  
  
Mulcahy pulled an arrow from one and examined it. "Orcs!" His voice dripped disgust and fear. He murmured a quiet prayer over the bodies, and then stood straight.  
  
"This isn't a mine—it's a tomb! I should have known better that to let a Hobbit make any decision of any importance!"  
  
"Shut up, Winchester!" The comment came from Hawkeye, Potter, Mulcahy, and Trapper in unison.  
  
After a few hours' journey, the company found Balin's tomb. Scully raced in, then crumpled before his cousin's tomb. Potter picked up a large, leather-bound book and began reading. "Drums, drums in the deep…we are trapped…there is no way out."  
  
After a few minutes, Klinger grew bored and walked over to a well. He set his purse on it and began digging for his compact. He was having an awful time finding the thing, and then Trapper came up behind him and touched his arm. With a start, Klinger dropped the purse into the well. He and Trapper looked at each other for a moment, dumbfounded, until Potter came over and grabbed Klinger by the ear. You fool! Why don't you throw yourself in next time and save us all from your stupidity!" He walked away in disgust, and Klinger and Trapper started arguing over who was at fault. The argument was cut short by the sound of drums. Hearing the sound of approaching orcs, they got ready for a fight.  
  
Hawkeye and Winchester barred the doors with old spears, but soon orcs fought their way through, followed by a cave troll. Arrows flew and swords clanged. Radar attacked the orcs with a frying pan. Although the warriors tried to protect BJ, he couldn't stay hidden from the gargantuan cave troll. Hawkeye watched in horror as it stabbed him with a huge spear. Mulcahy then finally got a clear shot and killed the monster. Hawkeye ran over to check his friend and looked on in shock as he still breathed. A quick check under his clothes revealed Henry Blake's prized possession, a coat of Mithril mail, hard enough to stop any weapon.  
  
The company raced for the bridge of Khazad-dûm. The rain of arrows from the orcs suddenly quit as the orcs ran in terror. They were being followed by a Balrog. Potter stopped in the middle of the bridge, calling back to the company, "You kids can't deal with this. Get out of here!" He turned and faced the demon, and holding up his staff confronted it. "Evil critter! You cannot pass. YOU CANNOT PASS." He brought his staff down on the bridge, knocking out a section of stone, and the creature fell into the chasm of fire. But as he turned to walk away, it caught his ankle with its fire whips. "Skedaddle! Fly, you idiots!" before being pulled in.  
  
Hawkeye and Winchester all but carried the grieving Hobbits out of the mines, and they paused a moment. "We have to keep moving, guys. I know it hurts, but we've dealt with death before. If we stay here, we'll be killed, too, and Sherman's sacrifice will be for nothing. We have to get to Lothlórien before dark. We'll be safe there."  
  
As they neared the woods, Scully grew increasingly more uncomfortable. When they entered the wood, he warned the Hobbits about an Elven witch who lived there. As he turned to walk again, however, he found arrows aimed at his face from inches away. Hawkeye spoke quietly to the elves in their own tongue, and managed to defuse the situation. They were to be taken to the Lady of the Wood. Scully was already not happy, but he became even more upset when the elves demanded that he, being a Dwarf, be blindfolded. He finally agreed only if they also blindfolded Mulcahy. The priest objected, but soon agreed out of necessity.  
  
On their arrival in Lothlórien, they were taken to see the Lady, an elegant Korean Elf named Soon-Li. As each met her eyes, he felt she could read his thoughts, a feeling that was confirmed by her words in his mind. To BJ, her words were comforting; to Winchester, warning. Finally, she spoke, "Nine there were that left Rivendell, yet only eight I see. Where is the Wizard Sherman Potter? I have very much wished to speak with him."  
  
The fellowship dropped their eyes, and finally Hawkeye spoke up, "He fell in Moria, and never escaped."  
  
"These are sad tidings, indeed, but do not let your hearts be troubled. Tonight you shall sleep in peace." The fellowship rested in Lothlórien for several days. Soon-Li brought Radar and BJ to her mirror. They say many things, including the Eye of Sauron.  
  
Some time later, the fellowship departed Lothlórien. No one was quite certain how long it had been. Time seemed meaningless in that place. They were given boats, provisions, and Elven cloaks. Soon-Li gave each of them individual gifts. To Hawkeye, she gave a sheath for his sword and a green brooch; to Winchester, a belt of gold; Trapper received a silver belt; Klinger received a similar belt, as well as a matching dress; Mulcahy received a new bow; Radar, the gardener, got a case of soil from Lórien. Soon-Li came to Scully and asked him what gift he would receive. During his time in Lothlórien, the Dwarf had become enchanted with the Elven queen, and he requested a strand of her hair, which she gave gladly. Lastly, she came to BJ. To him, she gave a phial of light. With that, they set out down the great river Anduin.  
  
After a long journey down the river, they passed the Aragonath, statues of kings of old, Hawkeye's ancestors, then came to Tol Brandir, where they stopped. BJ was feeling the burden very heavily, and wandered off alone. After a while, Winchester found him wandering aimlessly.  
  
"None of us should wander alone, least of all you, BJ. You shouldn't risk what you bear. Perhaps you might give it to me for safekeeping…" Winchester's words were innocent enough, yet there was greed lurking behind his eyes.  
  
"It's not yours to bear, Winchester. I'll go back to camp."  
  
"Why not lend me the ring for a bit? I'll give it back."  
  
Still BJ resisted, and Winchester became frustrated. He tried to tackle the Hobbit, and BJ put the ring on and slipped away. Winchester screamed in frustration, "Aagh! You little cretin! Come back here!" After a moment, he came to his senses and wailed, "Oh, BJ! What have I done? Come back!" but there was no response. He returned to the fellowship and gave a slightly less than full account of the incident, telling that he had asked BJ to come with him to Gondor, but the Hobbit had overreacted and ran away. Hawkeye saw through the lie, but rather than waste time arguing with Winchester, he took Radar and started looking for BJ. Radar eventually found himself by the river. He saw a boat being drawn into the river, though no one could be seen pulling it. He ran after the boat and almost drowned himself, before BJ pulled him out of the water. Together they set out across the river.  
  
*I made up the date 2975. I don't know which winters were hard in Middle Earth. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Spoiler Alert! With this chapter, I begin The Two Towers, M*A*S*H style.  
  
Hawkeye was still searching for BJ, but he suddenly heard the great horn Winchester carried. That horn could mean only one thing—trouble. Though Hawkeye, Mulcahy, and Scully rushed to his aid, they arrived too late. He had been pierced by many orc arrows; his sword and horn were broken. Hawkeye ran to him, but quickly realized that nothing could be done.  
  
Winchester, though weak, spoke, "Hawkeye. I'm sorry. I've failed all of you. I tried to take the Ring from BJ by force. The orcs took Klinger and Trapper, but I think they're still alive. I'm sorry. I said that Gondor need no king, but I was wrong. Forgive me, my king. Send my love to my sister…" With that, Charles Emerson Winchester, III breathed his last.  
  
Hawkeye took his death hard, and started to cry. Mulcahy gently pushed past him to close Winchester's eyes and speak a quiet prayer. With no other burial option, they put the body in one of the boats, with his sword and horn, and the weapons of his enemies. Both Hawkeye and Mulcahy spoke a few words in eulogy, then they sent the boat over the falls. Despite the grief, life had to go on. Hawkeye found the knives the Hobbits had carried as swords, and Mulcahy gathered arrows. Among the carnage, they found markings of FB.  
  
"The moment I get my hands on that Ferret Face…" Scully spoke for all of them.  
  
"I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one am ready to go after those orcs and get Klinger and Trapper back! I am not going to leave them to the tender mercies of those orcs!" Hawkeye spoke. The others couldn't have agreed more. The three of them, Man, Elf, and Dwarf set off, hunting the orcs on foot.  
  
After a time of hard travel, Hawkeye spotted a brooch from an Elven cloak, such as all the fellowship wore, and also Hobbit-sized footprints. The sign, small though it was, gave them encouragement to keep going, despite their exhaustion.  
  
A few days later, they came across riders. They stopped beside the road, almost hidden in their Elven cloaks, better even than camouflage. The riders approached. There were many of them, all armed for war, but also three empty horses. Hawkeye said, "What news, riders of Rohan?"  
  
It was only then that the riders saw them, and their Sergeant dismounted and approached Hawkeye. "Who are you, and why are you here?"  
  
"I am known as Hawkeye. We're here hunting orcs."  
  
"You're poorly equipped for hunting orcs. You've got a pretty motley group there, in any case. An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Ranger. Why are you clothed like Elves?" The Sergeant was obviously trained as an interrogator.  
  
"We've come from Lothlórien. Our clothing was a gift from Lady of the Wood."  
  
"We've heard she is an evil witch. And who are these two silent ones?" The Sergeant was referring to Scully and Mulcahy.  
  
Scully, offended by the way the man referred to Soon-Li, replied, "Tell me who you are, and I'll give you my name, and then some…"  
  
Hawkeye intervened before the argument could come to blows, for both the Scully and the Sergeant had their weapons ready. Mulcahy had an arrow trained on the Sergeant, ready to defend the Dwarf. "At least hear us out before you start fighting."  
  
"Very well, but tell me your true name." The Sergeant was still suspicious.  
  
"Only after you tell me whether you are friend or foe to Mordor." There was steel in Hawkeye's voice.  
  
"We serve only the Lord of the Mark, Howitzer Al Hoolihan. We do not serve Mordor, but we are not at open war with its forces, either, and we would like things to stay that way. And who is it that you serve?"  
  
"I serve no one, but I do hunt the servants of Mordor wherever I go. I know more about orcs than you think, and I don't travel this way out of choice. Two of our companions have been taken captive, and we are pursuing their captors. As for who I am," he said, drawing his ancestral sword, Andúril, I am Benjamin Franklin Pierce, heir to the throne of Gondor." As he said this, Hawkeye seemed to grow and become taller and more noble. Though the Sergeant was himself a large man, suddenly he seemed to shrink before Hawkeye. None could doubt that Hawkeye was, indeed, born to be a king.  
  
"Legends seem to be appearing out of nowhere," The sergeant muttered. "I will tell you what I can." Hawkeye learned that though the riders had slain a party of orcs, they had not seen the hobbits. The riders offered three of their spare horses, though reluctantly, making them swear to return them, but Scully refused to ride until Mulcahy offered to take him on his own horse. At this, the three set off on two borrowed horses.  
  
After a day of riding, they came to the borders of the Fangorn forest. The forest was rumored to be dangerous, and the Elves of Lothlórien had warned them to stay away from it. It was said that it was perilous to touch the trees of the forest. The made a fire, careful to harm no living tree. As they sat by their fire, an old man approached them. Though they invited him to join them, he disappeared. A moment later, they realized both of the horses were gone. Scully started to lay blame, and Hawkeye had difficulty staying calm, but Mulcahy was able to quiet the dispute. They all suspected Frank Burns, but no one could be certain.  
  
Elsewhere, Klinger and Trapper came to, their wrists and ankles bound, in the midst of an orc camp. From conversation overheard, they knew that Burns had ordered them to be kept whole, but the matter was still a gross violation of the Geneva Convention. There were obviously two factions within the orcs, one loyal to Burns and one loyal to Mordor. The arguments came to blows, and one of the orcs was killed. He fell next to Klinger, who was able to use his knife to slit the ropes around his wrists. A master of costume, Klinger knew better than to allow it to be seen, so he looped the ropes around his wrists so they still looked bound.  
  
Eventually, the orcs threw them over their backs and traveled at a merciless pace. When they finally stopped, the orcs cut the bonds on their ankles and gave them a little liquor that was too much even for the two master drinkers. It was worse than anything that could have come from the still; it burned all the way down. They smeared an evil-looking cream on a wound on Trapper's head. Surprisingly, it did seem to help, but Trapper didn't want to know what was in it. It smelled awful, but the wound healed quickly, leaving him with an ugly scar.  
  
The two hobbits were forced to try to keep up with the much larger orcs. The time quickly blurred into a muddled nightmare. Somehow, during the march, Klinger was able to slip off long enough to drop the brooch from his cloak by the side of the road, far enough away to avoid being seen by the orcs, but close enough to be seen, were the others tracking them. He was roughly pulled back into the camp and beaten. When the orcs saw that they were being followed by riders, they carried the Hobbits and ran even faster. When they finally stopped, they bound the Hobbits'legs.  
  
Klinger and Trapper had gleaned enough information from the orc conversation to know that Burns was after the ring. Klinger, ever the actor, decided something had to be done, and took it on himself to convince his guard that he had the ring. With a battle beginning around them, the guard decided to find the prize himself and started searching Klinger, the Took had his chance.  
  
"You won't find it that way. It's so deeply hidden inside my dress you'd never figure out where it is. Obviously you've never seen a Warner Bra. You'd have no clue where to look for it!"  
  
"Find what?" the guard snarled.  
  
"Oh, nothing. Nothing, my precious." To make the act more convincing, he made a sound in the back of his throat, amplified by his huge nose: gollum, gollum.  
  
"Quite a dangerous game you're playing, little one. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into," the guard snarled. What he didn't know was how good a poker player Klinger truly was.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'll give it to you." The Lebanese used camel salesman was coming out. "But you have to untie my legs first."  
  
Eventually, the temptation got to the guard, and he scooped the two of them up and carried them away from the battle, and sight by his superiors. Before he had a chance to get anything from them, though, he was cut down by a lone rider. The Hobbits escaped into the forest, where they observed the battle between the orcs and the Men of Rohan.  
  
After some wandering, they encountered Treebeard of the Ents. The Ents were slow-speaking, patient creatures as old as the forest, and very tree- like in appearance themselves. Everything they did was very deliberate. He took them to his ent-house and gave them an ent-draught, and they told him their tale. Treebeard told them, among other things, that Frank Burns used to wander the forest, gleaning what information he could from the Ents, but never helping them much at all. He confirmed their suspicions, that Burns had made an army of super-orcs, able to travel in the sun and much larger than regular orcs.  
  
"Just like him, isn't it, to make a whole army that will actually listen to him?" Trapper said. "I guess he had to create an army for any of them to listen at all."  
  
Proving to be a great ally, though he claimed to be an ally to none, Treebeard called a council of the Ents, an Entmoot. The discussion took longer than any peace talks. Klinger found himself wishing for the purse and compact he'd lost in Moria, and playing with the girdle he was regretting wearing. Trapper was wishing for some female companionship, preferably a nurse. They would have settled for a deck of card or even boat races at the cess pool. After what seemed like ages, the Ents suddenly made up their minds and marched on Isengard. The Ents were 14 feet tall and stronger than any Troll, easily capable of splitting stone. They were a fearsome force. The hobbits were just glad to be doing something. 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: My summer job has started, so updates may take a little longer. I still hope to have a new chapter up every 2 or 3 days. Sorry if my Ch. 3 note was confusing. I have read all three books and will do all of them as quickly as I'm able.  
  
Scully was complaining about the cold. They all looked, but could find no footprints. This worried Scully. "Any old man who doesn't leave any footprints is suspicious in my book." No one could make sense of the old man's visit.  
  
Mulcahy, who had a better understanding of horses than the others, thought that their horses had seemed glad rather than terrified when they broke free. "It was like they had just meet an old friend. Curious, isn't it?"  
  
Continuing their journey, Hawkeye soon spotted the brooch Klinger had dropped. "For Klinger to drop jewelry, something must definitely be wrong. Even so, it probably means he's OK. Ferret Face must have ordered the orcs to capture the Hobbits and take them to him, without telling them about the ring; he's way to suspicious for that. My guess is that at least one of them escaped into the forest. Let's go!"  
  
Though they were nervous of the wood, they entered it anyway. They tracked the hobbits for a while, until they spotted an old man, wearing grey rags. The three were suspicious, Scully most of all. He drew his axe and urged Mulcahy to ready his bow.  
  
"Who are you? What is your name?" Hawkeye asked.  
  
"You should know me. My name? You know it." With that, he walked over to a rock and sat down. As he did, the rags he wore shifted, to reveal all white below, like Frank Burns usually wore. Scully leapt to attack, but the man moved, with incredible speed for one so old, and lifted his staff. Scully's axe was thrown to the ground, and suddenly they all realized who it was.  
  
"Colonel Potter!" Mulcahy cried.  
  
"Why are you wearing white, like Frank Burns?" Scully asked.  
  
"Well, son, I've become something akin to what Burns should have been. But enough about me. Tell me what's happened to all of you!"  
  
The three gladly told him their story, and Potter gave them a lot of news, as well. Though he hadn't seen the hobbits, he did know that they were safe among the Ents. It was thanks to Burns' double-handedness that the forces of Mordor had been thwarted. He was a traitor both to Potter and to Mordor, and managed to mess up the whole business in the process. It was thanks to his army of orcs that the hobbits had come to Fangorn and roused the Ents. It was also thanks to him that there had been so much infighting amongst the orcs that they were attacked and all killed, leaving none to take messages to Burns or to Mordor. When the three asked Potter about the old man they had seen the night before, they had to conclude it was Burns, for Potter hadn't seen them that night.  
  
Once they had caught up on the most recent news, Mulcahy managed to pry out of Potter the story of what had happened in Moria. He fought the Balrog down into the deepest parts of Moria, then back up, coming out onto the mountains, where he finally defeated the Balrog and was rescued by Gwahir, the Windlord, who took him to Lothlórien.  
  
Finally, the four prepared to depart. Without horses, the journey seemed long, but Potter called back his horse, Sophie, fastest and greatest of all the horses of Middle Earth. She was the one who called the other two horses away, and they returned with her. The four mounted, Potter taking Scully with him on Sophie, and rushed for Edoras, home to Colonel Alvin Hoolihan, King of the Mark of Rohan.  
  
When they reached Hoolihan's stronghold, they were greeted coldly. The guards demanded their names, using the language of Rohan, which few of the day knew. Fortunately, both Potter and Hawkeye knew the language.  
  
Hawkeye spoke, "We are not spies or enemies. We have come to return the two horses lent to us by your Sergeant."  
  
"Nevertheless, Colonel Hoolihan's aide Col. Flagg has told us that Col. Hoolihan's will is that no stranger should enter." After some cajoling, the guard agreed to tell his lord of their presence; the four gave their names and sent him to his lord.  
  
Eventually, they were allowed to enter, but they were required to lay down their weapons at the door. Mulcahy was the first to lay down his weapon, though he bade the guards care for the bow well. Hawkeye was much less willing to lay down Andúril. He and Scully were ready to take on the entire guard of Edoras, but Potter quieted them down, giving up his sword, Glamdring. After this, Hawkeye and Scully reluctantly laid down their weapons, as well. The guards also demanded Potter's staff, but Potter refused. "Would you deny an old man his walking stick?" Potter was indignant.  
  
That was guilt trip enough for them to let him keep the staff. They entered a dark, warm hall, with paintings on the walls. They went forward and met an old man, seated on a throne. Age seemed to wear on him heavily. A dark-haired woman stood behind him, wearing white.  
  
Potter greeted the old man. "Al, it's good to see you again."  
  
Hoolihan was less welcoming. "Sherman. What bad news do you bring this time? Every time you come here, you bring bad news. So why should I welcome you?"  
  
"You are absolutely right, Alvin. He's a no-good, Communist spy!" The words came from a man sitting near the throne. "Remember, your son was killed, and your Sergeant betrayed you. Of course he's trouble. He's the kingpin to a conspiracy!"  
  
"Colonel Flagg. Why Colonel Hoolihan listens to you is beyond me. I do not cause trouble; I only come to warn of it, and to be of what help I may."  
  
Flagg replied, "What help have you brought? I see no troops. If there were any waiting, my contacts would have told me about it. Don't forget, I have eyes in the back of my head!"  
  
"Too bad he doesn't have them in the front of his head, too." Hawkeye muttered under his breath.  
  
Potter ignored both Hawkeye and Flagg and addressed Hoolihan. "Not much of a welcome here. I would have expected more. Surely you know who your guests are? If they appear worn, it is because they are travel-worn, not because their station is so low. The grey they wear is a gift from the Elves of Lothlórien."  
  
"Now I begin to see. This conspiracy is bigger than I thought! The Lady of Lothlórien must be the head of all this. It's all a Communist plot! Al, we can't trust anyone!"  
  
"And you least of all." This time the comment was from Scully. "I'll have the head of anyone who insults Soon-Li!" He would have done it, had Potter not stopped him.  
  
"Flagg, you're talking nonsense. You have no knowledge of these places and people, yet you see conspiracies. Shut up! I haven't come back from the dead to bother with you!" With that, Potter raised his staff. Suddenly the room grew dark. Only Potter could been seen, and he was standing tall and shining white.  
  
"I told you not to let him bring that staff in here, but you wouldn't listen to me! Would you?" Flagg hissed.  
  
Potter had had enough of Flagg. There was a flash, and then all was silent. Flagg lay on his face on the ground in a dead faint. The darkness began to lift. "Al, will you listen to me now?" Potter asked gently. "Things aren't as bad as they seem. Come out and see for yourself!"  
  
Slowly, Al Hoolihan lifted himself from the chair. The woman standing by rushed to help him. They walked to the end of the hall and Potter yelled for the doors to be opened. Now, for the first time, the woman could be seen clearly. Hoolihan spoke to her. "Go on, Kellye. I'll be all right." As she turned, she met Hawkeye's eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment, then she went inside.  
  
Hoolihan turned his attention to the land spreading out before him. Suddenly, the sun broke through the ceiling of clouds to glitter on a river far away. Years seemed to fall from him, and he was Colonel Howitzer Al Hoolihan once again. He stood straight and tall. At Potter's counsel, he sent for his Sergeant, who Flagg had imprisoned in his name, for giving horses to Hawkeye, Mulcahy, and Scully. When the Sergeant came, he was exonerated. Hoolihan called for his sword, and the men of Rohan were readied to march in battle.  
  
As these preparations began, Flagg was dragged back into the room, along with Hoolihan's sword. Along with the sword, it appeared he'd been hiding many other things that had somehow gone missing unexpectedly. Flagg spoke, "Colonel, if you're go leave for battle, you'll need someone to tend matters here. You could leave me as your steward…"  
  
"I think not, Flagg. How long have you been spying for Frank Burns?" Potter asked. "We won't be foolish enough to leave you here to take what you will. Treasure, Kellye, power…I think not. I suggest you go remind Burns of your faithful service to him. If you remind him quickly enough, he may just remember your help."  
  
They sent Flagg off on his own, and Hoolihan offered them food, which they at quickly. He gave armor to Hawkeye, Mulcahy, and Scully, though Potter took none. The preparations were finished, and they left Kellye in charge of those left behind.  
  
Potter called Sophie to him, and he and Hoolihan led their troops out, riding side by side. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long. Is anyone still reading this? I'm beginning to wonder if I should continue. Please let me know in a review!  
  
Hoolihan's troops rode for two days before meeting a messenger who told of the battle going poorly. Apparently, Frank Burns had sent his entire battle force (and a few extras gathered from the nearby countryside) against the forces of Erkenbrand, lord of Westfold, and pushed them back to Helm's deep. Potter sent them on to Helm's Deep and told them to wait for him there, then rode off as quickly as Sophie could carry him. They sent out a scout, who reported that a company of orcs was making for Helm's Deep. The battle force managed to just beat them there. They found there a thousand troops, though many were old or very young. The forces were dug in at the Deeping Wall, a high, thick embankment with slits for archers.  
  
Hoolihan's troops had a little time to rest, but they were soon attacked, just past midnight. A thunderstorm began. A brilliant flash of lightning revealed orcs swarming toward the Wall. To the sound of trumpets far worse than Winchester's French horn, the orcs rushed the wall, but the defenders held. The orcs were driven back, partly thanks to Hawkeye and Hoolihan's Sergeant, who were saved from an ambush by Scully, but the orcs drew back only enough to regroup. The wall was badly damaged. They supported it with whatever they could find: wooden beams and stones. Hawkeye and the Sergeant were able to rally them twice more, but the defenders grew tired, and the orcs were able to get over the wall with ladders and ropes.  
  
With a new determination, the defenders were able to push back the orcs, and with Scully's help they dammed up the Deeping Stream to flood the area, then retreated back, to the edge of the Hornburg, the citadel of Helm's Deep. For a moment, they were able to rest, but then an explosion was heard, and a gaping hole was blasted into the wall.  
  
"Burns! Well, it's quite a use for primacord. Let's go!" Hawkeye yelled. He managed to single-handedly hold the retreat for the rest of the forces into the citadel proper, Mulcahy ready with a single arrow to back him up. Some of the defenders had also made it into caves nearby, including Hoolihan's Sergeant. "As glad as I am they got to the caves, I'm glad I'm not there. At least here I have enough air to breathe and room to stand up." Hawkeye's laugh was somewhat nervous.  
  
Though things looked grim, Hawkeye and Hoolihan encouraged those who were left. As dawn broke, Helm's horn was heard, and Hoolihan and Hawkeye led their troops in a desperate charge. The men hidden in the caves came pouring out, and the orcs fled. Finally. The orcs scrambled over the Dike, but as the two leaders gained the Dike, they looked out in wonder. A forest, which had not been there the night before, blocked any further retreat for the orcs. The east side of the valley was too steep to be climbed, and in the west, men, including a white rider, appeared—Colonel Potter and Erkenbrand had come with reinforcements. The orcs fled into the forest, but never left it. They were never seen again.  
  
After regrouping and resting, Potter, Hawkeye, Mulcahy, Scully, and Hoolihan and his men set off for Isengard, home of Frank Burns. When they reached it, they found the gates torn off their hinges, and waiting for them, Trapper and Klinger, who had gotten into Burns' stash of good food—a far cry from rack of spam and fly à la mode. They were tipsy, but fortunately, they weren't too drunk. Klinger was asleep, his snoring amplified by his cavernous nose, but Trapper was awake. He greeted them and explained what had happened: that the Ents had attacked and flooded Isengard, and Burns and Flagg were locked up inside, concocting all kinds of conspiracies. Hawkeye gave back their knives, and Klinger's brooch, lost when they were captured by the orcs.  
  
Potter went up to the tower and called Burns out. Flagg appeared first. "So, it's you. I should have known you'd be behind this, Potter. You, Hoolihan. Why, Pierce, even you're in it. Incredible. I should have busted this conspiracy apart years ago."  
  
"We weren't even working together years ago!" Trapper scoffed.  
  
"Maybe not openly, but I'll bet you were conspiring—all of you."  
  
Potter was getting sick of this, and finally convinced Flagg to get Burns. "Hi guys!" Burns was trying to sound innocent. "What brings you here? Sorry I took so long to come meet you. I was sleeping. I, uh, I've been working really hard. Colonel Potter, it's good to see you. I mean that, I really do. And Colonel Hoolihan. Any father of Margaret's is a father of mine. Don't get me wrong! Whatever you've heard about her and me is a lie. I never touched her, I swear! Colonel…Al, we could work together. As allies, we'd be unstoppable! We could be at peace."  
  
Hoolihan looked at him for a long moment, then replied, "Yes, Burns, we will have peace. We will have peace over your dead body. You're a puppet for Mordor, and I will not help you."  
  
"Colonel Potter!" Frank squealed. "How can you listen to them? Why do you let them get away with stuff like that? It isn't fair! You never listen to me! They're tricking you! Listen, Colonel…Sherman, I'm sorry I lost my temper. Why don't you come up here and let me apologize face to face."  
  
Potter only laughed. "Frank, you should have been the one trying fortune telling instead of Klinger. You're even less believable than him! Why don't you come down here, Burns? I'll let you leave—no penalty. You're free to go."  
  
Unfortunately, Burns was listening more to Flagg's talk of conspiracies and traps than Potter's words of mercy, and he laughed in the Wizard's face. "You must think I'm really dumb! Well, I wasn't born yesterday! You people hate me! Everybody hates me! You just want my money!" He turned to walk away.  
  
"Did I say you were dismissed, Burns? You stay right there! I cast you out of the order and the Council of Wizards." As Potter said this, Burns' staff broke in two. The deposed Wizard retreated back into the tower, but a large object was thrown out of the tower. While aimed at Potter, it landed closer to Klinger, who scooped it up. Potter quickly took it from him, wrapping it in his clothing. "It would appear Flagg isn't quite the marksman he thinks he is. I don't pity him when Burns finds out just what he's thrown at us." Indeed, a few minutes later there was a despairing wail from the tower, followed by the sounds of argument.  
  
The party rode away, then camped for the night. Klinger couldn't settle down. The crystal ball Flagg had thrown fascinated him and kept him from sleep. Trapper was annoyed, and told him to go to sleep, but he couldn't. Eventually, he slipped out of his high heels and quietly slipped over to where Potter was sleeping. He took the ball from the Colonel, replacing it with a large rock. He moved away a little, then looked into it. He was mesmerized by it, the gave a cry, "Holy Toledo!" and fainted.  
  
Potter woke and rushed over to him. After settling Klinger down a bit, he made him tell what he had seen, then sent him to sleep. He gave the palantír to Hawkeye. The Snipers approached, and Potter took Klinger with him on Sophie and they all flew. 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks for reviewing. I don't like to beg for reviews, but I have been wondering recently the interest in this story has passed. Sorry this story has been going so slowly; it has been slower now that I'm in TTT. I'm also working full time and spending a lot of time at tae kwon do.  
  
BJ and Radar travelled through one of the most desolate lands they had ever seen. They climbed down a steep cliff with the help of Elven rope from Lórien, but it was like navigating a mine field with the wrong map. They soon saw Rizzo following them, slithering down the cliff like a snake. Just as he was nearing the bottom of the cliff, he slipped, and Radar took the opportunity to jump on him. Not much of a fighter, Radar was quickly subdued, and BJ had to draw his sword to stop anyone from being hurt. Like Henry before him, though, BJ pitied Rizzo, and couldn't bring himself to do harm to the miserable creature.  
  
Rizzo spoke from the ground where he lay. "Gentlemen, you've got me all wrong. I won't hurt anyone! What brings you to these parts?" He was putting out as much Southern charm as he could—about as much as a snake oil salesman. With no better option, BJ made Rizzo come with them and guide them. Rizzo had been in Mordor before, but as a captive. Radar tried to tie him with the Elven rope, but it seemed to hurt him so badly, just by its nature, that Radar had to remove it. It was, to Rizzo, "evil Yankee rope." He had carried the ring for many long years, and though greed for it was driving him mad, a promise he made by it would be binding. At BJ's insistence, he swore by the ring to be "a perfect gentleman." Though BJ and Radar were suspicious, Radar most of all, they had to accept him at his word. They traveled at night because Rizzo couldn't stand the light of day.  
  
They traveled in an uneasy peace, Rizzo searching for his own food, not willing to eat any of the Elvish food BJ and Radar carried, though he would take water. They entered the Dead Marshes, Rizzo muttering about candles of corpses. The sky cleared a little, revealing the moon, much to Rizzo's distaste, but then a Sniper passed over them on a winged horse. As they traveled closer to Mordor, the weight of the Ring seemed to increase, and BJ grew weary and began to stumble, far more than Radar and even Rizzo, though Radar guessed Rizzo felt it too, from his many years of carrying the Ring.  
  
Leaving the Dead Marshes, they entered a land so barren and defiled that absolutely nothing would grow. They rested in a pit in the land, using the edges of the pit for a little shelter. BJ took the first watch, and Radar dozed for a while. He woke quietly and opened his eyes. He hadn't taken off his glasses, so he could at least see a little through the dirt on them. Rizzo was standing over BJ, debating with himself, fighting his promise to be good. As Rizzo reached for the chain on BJ's neck, Radar coughed and yawned loudly, asking the time. After this interruption, they woke BJ and the three set off again.  
  
They soon reached the Black Gate, but it was impassable to them. Rizzo offered another path. Though BJ and Radar were suspicious, they had no choice. They set off toward Cirith Ungol, again having to hide from the Snipers. They came again to a green land, where trees yet grew. They rested by a stream, and Rizzo captured two rabbits, which Radar somehow managed to cook. Even with his meager cooking skills, it was better than anything from the Mess Tent. He and BJ ate the rabbit stew, and he went to rinse his pot, but forgot to put out his fire. The smoke from it drew the attention of men, led by General Hamilton. Rizzo had somehow slipped off yet again, but BJ and Radar introduced themselves. They figured Rizzo would turn up eventually. They were polite, but somewhat guarded with their words. They convinced the General they were of no harm, so he left them and went on his way, leaving two MPs near them to watch.  
  
They rested for part of the day, Rizzo still missing, but then horns were heard, and Hamilton's forces were attacked. There was a fierce fight, and afterwards, General Hamilton interrogated BJ. Hamilton suspected that BJ knew much more than he was telling. He asked about his brother, Winchester, and told BJ that Winchester was dead. BJ could only reply that Winchester was alive and healthy when they parted, but that the world held many dangers. Hamilton's reply was that treachery was far from the least of those dangers. BJ told Hamilton about Winchester's horn and the belt given to him by Soon Li, and after showing Hamilton the brooch of his Elven cloak, similar to the one Winchester had worn, Hamilton was convinced he meant no harm. Hamilton brought the two Hobbits to his secret stronghold, where they were fed and given a place to rest. Hamilton came to them privately and guessed that they carried some object of power. Unlike his brother, though, he felt no desire to take it. A slip of Radar's tongue revealed that it was indeed the One Ring. The General proved himself, not trying to take the ring from the Hobbits.  
  
Later that night, as the moon set, Hamilton brought them to an overlook, where they saw Rizzo, fishing in the river. It was only BJ's intercession that kept Hamilton's MPs from shooting the miserable creature. Like Radar, Hamilton felt no pity from him, and counseled BJ not to trust him, yet BJ still pitied him, and took Rizzo under his protection. After resting there a little longer, BJ, Radar, and Rizzo continued on their way. Hamilton gave them wooden staves and food.  
  
The threesome traveled that day, keeping under the cover of the forest as long as possible. They rested a few hours, but Rizzo insisted that they again travel by night, so they got up at midnight and continued their march. At the end of the night, they stopped to rest. Day did not dawn, but just a lessening of the brown gloom over the land. They rested, and Rizzo slipped off. He was gone that entire day, but when he returned, he urged them to hurry and continue their journey.  
  
They rushed through the open Crossroads and on to Cirith Ungol. The Ring weighed every heavier on BJ. They snuck past the evil city of the Snipers, Minas Morgul, the Ring nearly getting the best of BJ and drawing him to the Snipers there. He had enough sense to know that he could not give in to the Ring, and that if he did, he would be betrayed and killed, but his hand seemed to move of its own accord to the chain around his neck. He managed to hold off, and the Captain of the Snipers led a great army out from the city, an attack force for Gondor.  
  
The travelers finally reached a stone stair. After much climbing, they stopped to rest. Again, Rizzo slipped off, this time without BJ or Radar even knowing. He finally returned, finding them sleeping, and they set off again, finally reaching a tunnel. It was dark and oppressive inside, but they continued. There were passages off to the side; they sensed these by the air flow rather than any sight. Rizzo continued to lead them through the cave, and eventually they came to an opening, which exuded a reek more intense than any Cess Pool, or even Hawkeye when he refused to shower. Both BJ and Radar stumbled, but continued. Rizzo had disappeared completely.  
  
They came to a fork in the path, but one of the paths was blocked. They went down the other, but heard a gurgling, evil sound. BJ dug out the Phial from Soon-Li. In its light they saw an evil spider-like creature. He drew his sword and advanced toward the creature, which backed away, allowing them to pass. They reached the end of the tunnel, but the way was blocked by a web-like substance. Radar drew his sword and tried to hack at it, but his blade would do little. Handing the Phial to Radar, BJ used his Elvish sword, Sting, and it cut through the web, still not easily, but at least effectively. They exited the tunnel, giddy with their escape, but Rizzo snuck up behind Radar and grabbed him. Radar, filled with adrenaline, threw Rizzo off, but after a short fight, Rizzo ran off.  
  
Radar turned to see BJ laying on the ground beneath the spider, Shelob. He grabbed BJ's sword in his left hand, his own in his right and attacked her, first the claw, then one eye. He was now underneath her. He slashed at her stomach, but managed to wound her only slightly. He dropped his own sword and held Sting above his head with both hands. She dropped her weight on top of him, but in doing so, drove the Elven blade into her own gut. Radar was almost crushed by her weight, but the prick of the blade forced her to stand up again. He drew out the Phial and the light of it drove the great spider back into her cave. He ran back to BJ, motionless and not breathing.  
  
"I'm not a doctor! I don't know what to do! I can't help you, BJ! Oh, gosh! No! He's dead. BJ, you can't be dead. Don't be dead, please!" Radar's pleas were no help. Despair came over him, and he crouched on the path for a long time, before finally realizing that, even though BJ was dead, the ring must be destroyed. He took it from BJ's still form and started on his way to the Nameless Land.  
  
Radar was stopped by approaching Orcs. There was nowhere to hide, and in desperation, he put on the Ring. The Orcs found BJ's body and took it to a passage just inside Shelob's lair. Still wearing the ring, he followed them. The Orcs thought that there was a great Elf-warrior about, to have wounded Shelob, but Radar overheard something else as well. Shelob had not killed BJ, but just paralyzed him for a short time. Radar tried to follow them into the tower, but the door closed in his face. BJ was alive, but a prisoner of war. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
  
A/N: Sorry this has taken so long. At least I can blame it on not being able to update for a week and a half (sort of)! Hopefully, I'll get at least one chapter up per week. With this chapter, I start ROTK, M*A*S*H style.  
  
Potter and Klinger eventually reached Minas Tirith, where Potter used his code words to gain entrance to the city. The city guards were skeptical about Klinger, but for Potter's sake, they let him in, but not before he had blurted the news of Winchester's death. They came to the Citadel, home of the Lord John, called Cowboy. Potter cautioned Klinger to keep his Took mouth shut, especially about BJ's mission and also about Hawkeye. Klinger was slow to get it, and eventually Potter had to spell things out for him. Hawkeye was heir to Gondor's throne, and Cowboy wouldn't like it; he was unstable enough without provocation. They didn't want to set him off.  
  
They arrived to see Cowboy holding Winchester's broken horn in his lap; he showed it to Potter and Klinger. He already knew about his son's death, but he pushed Klinger for details. When Klinger had told him what he could, he did something that amazed all three of them. He offered his service to Cowboy, laying his sword at the Steward's feet. After accepting, Cowboy ordered food for them, and then questioned Klinger—really, interrogated him. After an hour of this, Klinger's head spinning, they were sent to rest, but as Potter rushed off to council, he asked Klinger to check on Sophie. The people of Minas Tirith were generally good with horses, but he worried about her. She was his best friend. As Klinger went looking for the stables, he met a soldier, Igor Stravinski, who showed him around, after checking on Sophie. Later that day, he also met Igor's son, who was about the same size as him (except for the nose), though much younger. They explored, and saw a few reinforcements arrive throughout the day, but it not nearly enough. They returned to Igor's home, and Klinger left his young friend there, then Igor helped him find his way back to the room he shared with Potter. The city was under blackout, and he would have been lost alone. Lebanese business sense (or lack thereof) would do him no good that night.  
  
Hawkeye, Trapper, Mulcahy, and Scully, along with Hoolihan's remaining forces set off on their own. Shortly after they passed the Fords of Isen, they were overtaken by thirty of the Dúnedain, coming in response to a call from the Lady Soon-Li. They were overjoyed to see Hawkeye, their kinsman. Sidney Freedman's twin sons were with them, and one of them reminded Hawkeye of the Paths of the Dead. Hawkeye also got a staff-like object wrapped in black cloth.  
  
The company resumed their journey, and reached Deeping Coomb. They rested a few hours at the Hornburg, but not nearly enough for Trapper. After waking slowly, and complaining about it, Trapper was summoned to sit beside Hoolihan as they ate, and after the meal, Trapper was offered his service to Hoolihan, which the old general gladly accepted. Later that day, they prepared to leave, and Hawkeye told them that he had used the Stone from Orthanc and announced his intention to take the Paths of the Dead. The dead there owed a debt to his family for betraying his ancestors many years before.  
  
The company came to Dunharrow, Hoolihan's mountain stronghold, and Kellye tried to convince Hawkeye to change his plans, but he would not. Failing this, she tried to convince him to take her with him, but she had a duty to the people there. She was required to stay with her people.  
  
They reached the Dark Door of the Paths of the Dead before long, and even the dwarf Scully hesitated to enter until Mulcahy did, but bravado took over, and he refused to be bested by an Elf. Hawkeye showed no fear, but summoned the dead the Stone of Erech. He met them at the Stone, and they followed him, ready to fulfill the vow they broke to his ancestor.  
  
Trapper rode with Hoolihan to Dunharrow, climbing the long path up the mountain, joining Kellye and the others there. They ate a little, but as they talked after eating, a messenger from Gondor arrived, presenting a Red Arrow, a summons to war. Hoolihan promised aid, but it would be a week before the help could arrive. Trapper rested, and was summoned in the morning, still with complaining, but there was no dawn; a cloud from Mordor hid the Sun. Hoolihan asked Trapper stay with Kellye there in Dunharrow. He eventually convinced Hoolihan to allow him to accompany them as far as Edoras, but since he rode a pony, not a horse, he could not keep up once they reached the plains; speed was of the essence. Kellye pulled him aside and gave him more weaponry. As they set off down toward Edoras, Trapper noticed a slender young soldier, whom he hadn't noticed before, but didn't think much of it. At Edoras, Hoolihan told Trapper to stay, and Trapper could not convince him elsewhere. The young soldier approached him later, introducing himself as Dernhelm. The soldier hid the hobbit under his cloak, and they continued toward Gondor, with as much secrecy as if they were spying on the nurses' shower. This task, however, was nowhere near as fun.  
  
Potter woke Klinger for a meager breakfast, then sent him to Cowboy, who soon sent him to the armory, where he was given the uniform of Gondor. He returned to Cowboy, who kept him all morning, when he was released to find his lunch. He again met up with Igor, who thankfully was eating and not serving the food. While bland, the food was edible, and not liver, fish, or spam. As they sat on the wall talking after the meal, there came a scream that could have come only from one of the Snipers. Five Snipers came on their winged horses, just outside the archers' range. Another call came, as well, this one from General Hamilton's trumpet. He was approaching the city, but his forces' horses had panicked when the Snipers appeared. Potter appeared on Sophie, and he drove the Snipers away, making a path for the forces to enter the city.  
  
To Klinger, Hamilton seemed almost a mirror image of his brother, Winchester. He was obviously tired. Klinger followed them to meet with Cowboy. They spoke for some time, and Hamilton told Cowboy and Potter about his meeting with BJ and Radar. He watched Potter carefully as he told the story, saying nothing of the Ring or the hobbits' errand. Cowboy noticed this, and voiced his disapproval. He had always preferred Winchester to his younger son, and disapproved of Hamilton's friendship with Potter. In his opinion, the book learning Potter offered did his son no good.  
  
Though Hamilton said nothing of the ring, Cowboy seemed to know about it already. Again, he took the opportunity to compare his sons. "If it had been Winchester instead of you, he would have taken the thing and brought it to me! He was loyal to me!"  
  
Potter quietly corrected him. "No, Cowboy. Winchester would have taken it, and in doing so, he would cease to be the son you knew. He was never one to turn aside power or influence. You know that. He'd do anything for a little power—or money."  
  
"You're saying that just because you couldn't sway him! I should never have listened to you!" Cowboy spat.  
  
"You have to look beyond yourself and Gondor, Cowboy. Even I couldn't have taken it and used it without being destroyed. It would have destroyed you, just like it would have destroyed me." Not knowing how to reply to this, Cowboy changed the subject and asked Hamilton other details, then sent them to rest.  
  
The next morning, Cowboy sent Hamilton out yet again, this time to defend Cair Andros. The day after that, bad news came—Hamilton was being pushed back, outnumbered ten to one. Potter rode out on Sophie to meet them and give what aid he could. He returned the next morning with wounded, but Hamilton was not among them. Eventually the retreat reached the city itself, Hamilton still maintaining some semblance of order, if only by the force of his character. Suddenly, the enemy attacked, turning into a rout. Forces from the city swept out, led by the Prince of Dol Amroth. Potter also rode with them, and turned aside the Captain of the Snipers. With this, the forces of Gondor were able to retreat fully into the first wall of the city. The Prince was the last to enter the city, carrying the injured Hamilton. Cowboy took his injured son into his chamber and brooded over him while the city was besieged.  
  
The attack was well planned; the orcs dug trenches just out of bow shot and filled them with fire, though none of the defenders knew its source. The city was cut off, completely surrounded by enemy forces. There was no way reinforcements could reach them. Catapults soon launched bundles into the city that burst into flame as they landed inside the first wall. The defenders tried to control the fires, but it was an uphill battle.  
  
Cowboy brooded over Hamilton, whose fever would not break. He would not lead the city, nor would he ask Potter to help his son, so Potter took charge of the city, but could do nothing for the General. The attack came in the middle of the night. Enemy troops rushed forward. The forces of Minas Tirith were few and disheartened, but they shot arrows at them.  
  
Messengers came to Cowboy, but he would do nothing. He had convinced himself all would burn and die. He released Klinger, telling him to die in his own way, but Klinger would not give up yet. Cowboy took Hamilton and brought him to a funeral crypt; he lay down beside his son and called for wood. Klinger knew he had to do something. He asked the servants to take as much time as they could, even threatening to call Toledo connections to get them to cooperate. He went to look for Potter, meeting Igor on his way. Though it meant defying orders, and facing a court martial, Igor went to do what he could, while Klinger headed for the battle to find the Colonel.  
  
Led by the Captain of the Snipers, the Enemy bashed through the city wall with a battering ram. He rode into the city, unopposed save for one. Potter sat on Sophie, both of them unafraid. The White Rider and the Black challenged each other. As dawn came, a cock crowed, and along with it, the horns of Rohan. 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

A/N: I'm sorry this has taken so long. I expect about 2 more chapters to finish this up. I am going on vacation this week, and I hope to have time to wrap this up soon. As always, reviews are appreciated.

Trapper alternated between huddling under Dernhelm's cloak and hiding under a blanket for four days. By the end, he was cranky and tired, and he didn't even have any booze! During the night he heard drums, and the Marshall of the Rohirrim, after tripping over him, informed him that they came from the Wild Men of the Woods, who had offered their aid to Hoolihan. He was able to spy on the meeting between Hoolihan and their chief (not as fun as the nurses' shower, but oh well…), and the chief guided them through little known paths, asking no repayment other than that they kill orcs. The Rammas, the outer walls before the city, were not well guarded, the Enemy expecting no attack from behind, and the Riders of the Mark attacked.

Huddled behind Dernhelm, Trapper eventually felt a change in the wind; the South wind brought a glimmer of clear light. Hoolihan stood in his stirrups and called the riders on. He blew a battle charge on a great horn, and was joined by the rest of the forces. The sound was as terrifying as Winchester's french horn, not because it was as awful, but because of the power. As the Knights of the Mark approached the battle, slaying the few orcs who resisted them, the Captain of the Snipers retreated from his challenge with Potter, but his forces continued to fight. Hoolihan led the charge, hewing his way into the battle, but suddenly a darkness and terror descended, worse than any nightmares.

The Captain of the Snipers flew above them on a dark, evil winged creature. Hoolihan was thrown from his horse and landed beneath it as it fell, struck by an arrow. Hoolihan's soldiers were dead or carried away by crazed horses, and only Dernhelm remained. Trapper had been thrown, but he crawled toward Hoolihan despite his terror, wishing again for a drink. 

Dernhelm challenged the Sniper, but the Captain of the Snipers replied, "What can you do? No living man can stop me!"

Surprisingly, Dernhelm only laughed. "Too bad! I am no man at all! I am Kellye, niece of Al Hoolihan! I will protect him with my life if I must!"

At this, the Captain of the Snipers hesitated. Kellye had thrown back her cloak, revealing feminine features. Trapper overcame his fear and crawled toward her as the Captain's steed attacked her. She cut off its head, and the Captain approached on foot. He attacked with his mace, and she blocked with her shield, but the blow broke her arm anyway. Before the Sniper could deliver the death blow, Trapper struck his knee. The distraction was enough, and Kellye was able to strike. She cut off the Captain's head, and the Captain's robes crumpled on the ground as she fell.

Trapper rushed to Hoolihan and held him as he died. Kellye, too, appeared dead. His sergeant rode off to join the battle, leaving guards. Help came, and Kellye, who was still alive, was taken to the city to receive treatment.

The battle soon turned against the defenders. Not only were they being defeated, but black-sailed ships appeared on the river Anduin, apparently more reinforcements for the enemy. Like an unexploded bomb, it was only a matter of time before they arrived and the city was completely lost. Just when it seemed all hope was lost, a new flag was raised on the ships—a white one, with the standard of Gondor combined with that of the house of Elendil (a more noble flag than the nurses' panties). Hawkeye had passed through the Paths of the Dead and brought reinforcements. It was not long before the enemy was slaughtered, but the casualties were high among the defenders, as well.

Back at the gate, Klinger approached Potter and told him of Cowboy's impending suicide, and that he planned to take Hamilton with him. Despite the pressure of battle, Potter grabbed Klinger and put him on Sophie, then hurried towards Cowboy. The unlikely Igor was holding off Cowboy's servants with his sword. Cowboy had gone truly mad and was ready to set fire to the wood and oil inside the crypt, along with the unconscious Hamilton. He was convinced there was absolutely no hope. Potter pushed by him and carried Hamilton out of the crypt, but then Cowboy revealed the source of his despair—a palantír. He knew of the approaching black fleet, and the power of the enemy, and was convinced that Potter sought to rule the city through Hawkeye—yes, he knew about Hawkeye's lineage. 

After some more arguing, Cowboy grabbed a torch, ran into the crypt, and set it alight. He burned in his madness. After he died, Potter and Igor took Hamilton to the Houses of Healing, where he could finally receive medical attention. As they arrived, they heard the death scream of the Sniper captain, and Potter went to the wall and saw Hoolihan's forces below, then tried to return to the battle, but was again delayed.

As Trapper came with Kellye into the city, he found Klinger. He had fallen asleep walking and taken a wrong turn, and Klinger had chased him down. It didn't take much to realize Trapper was injured; his right arm wouldn't work, not since he had struck the Sniper. Igor's son was with him, and the boy ran to the Houses of Healing. After a few minutes, Potter found them, and scooped up the wounded hobbit and took him back to the healers. Though he worked on the three wounded, Hamilton, Kellye, and Klinger, with all his skill, he could not wake them. 

Someone mentioned an old saying: "The hands of the king are the hands of a healer." Potter sent for Hawkeye, who had not yet entered the city, not wanting to cause more uproar. Hawkeye was able to heal their injuries, using forgotten herbs and almost demanding that they live. His devotion to their healing was evident.

Soon Mulcahy and Scully were reunited with Klinger and Trapper. Mulcahy caught them up on the trip through the Paths of the Dead. Potter, Hawkeye, and some of the other captains met, and on the Colonel's advice, they decided to do the insane: they would march on Mordor. Klinger would have loved it—instead of going home when given the choice, they would walk into the Enemy's stronghold voluntarily—like children walking foolishly into a mine field.

Two days later, Potter and Hawkeye led a small force, including Klinger, on a mission even more crazy than remaining in Korea after the war—they marched on Mordor. They made no attempt at secrecy, but blew trumpets and announced themselves loudly. After five days, they were attacked by a small ambush party, but easily defeated the attackers. When they reached the desolation of Mordor itself, much of the force had to be sent back because of their fear.

Soon after, they came to the Black Gate. Along with Potter and Hawkeye, a group including Sidney's two sons, Mulcahy, Scully, and Klinger rode ahead to the gate and announced themselves. After some waiting, they were met by a man dressed like a Sniper. After throwing a few insults, he and Hawkey simply faced off—a staring contest, but with much higher stakes. Hawkeye wouldn't give, and the Sniper reeled back, then turned his attention to Potter. Still throwing insults, he showed them BJ's armor. He offered them terms for BJ's release, but they were ridiculous. Potter looked at him for a long moment, then said, "Mule muffins! One man isn't worth all that! You're trying to swindle your way out of fighting a heap of battles." He rode forward and grabbed BJ's things, then said "There's no way we'll take those terms. Skedaddle!"

The man was scared enough to retreat, but as he did, the ambush was sprung. There was a fierce battle, Klinger defeating a gigantic troll. As the troll's blood spilled over him and the stench began to suffocate him, he heard someone say that the Eagles were coming.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 Radar was alone and scared. It was up to him to save BJ, a task no less daunting than performing surgery would have been. Despite the hopelessness, he had to do his best, and this gave him a determination that was strong and surprising. When the Orc guards started to fight among themselves, Radar took the opportunity and rushed after BJ. He was still wearing the ring, but soon took it off, realizing it wasn't safe for him to use. The ring tempted him, like it had tempted BJ, and Henry, and many others, but he knew he didn't have the strength to use it, and anyway, his sense of duty was stronger than the temptation. Using the Phial of Light from Soon-Li, he was able to get into the Tower of Cirith Ungol. An evil scream announced his presence. Again aided by Orc infighting, Radar worked his way up to the tower. Reaching the top, Radar found BJ naked and despairing, assuming that the Orcs had taken the ring, and the quest had failed. As Radar gave back the Ring, BJ's normally generous countenance changed to greedy and snarling. He even accused Radar of being a thief. After a moment, he came back to himself and apologized, but the pull of the ring weighed heavily on both of them. The two of them dressed in Orc clothing and escaped, but barely. The two Hobbits worked their miserable way into Mordor slowly, hiding when necessary. The only cover came in the form of thorns that pierced their Orc-clothing. Food and water ran low. The Ring weighed heavier and heavier on BJ. The little water they found was bitter and oily, but it helped them survive and continue. With supplies running low, they had to risk the open road. They soon found themselves in the midst of a party of Orcs, marching in towards Mordor. Somehow, no one noticed them, the disguises working better than they had any right to (and certainly better than feigning blindness in the nurses' tent). After leaving the Orcs and continuing alone, their strength waned. Soon Radar had to leave his cooking supplies, and BJ could hardly summon the strength to continue. Though BJ had seemed weak and helpless under the weight of the Ring during their march into Mordor, it was nothing compared to when they reached Mount Doom. Literally incapable of walking, he had to crawl up the mountain, then Radar had to carry him, a difficult task for a very short Hobbit. As they worked their way to the top of the mountain, Rizzo appeared out of nowhere. He tried to grab the Ring and take it by force, and this finally prompted BJ to action. He fought back against the miserable creature. They chased Rizzo away and finally reached the Cracks of Doom. There, BJ's will finally broke. He could not throw it away. At that moment, Rizzo came up behind Radar, knocked him down, and ran to BJ, who had put on the ring. As the eyes of the Enemy turned to the Mountain and the danger there, Rizzo bit off the Ring from BJ's finger, but as he danced around in celebration, he lost his balance and fell into the chasm himself, Ring and all. Realizing that without Rizzo, the Ring would never have been destroyed, BJ and Radar walked out of the mountain. The Snipers approached and the mountain erupted in anger. It appeared the messengers would go the same way as the Ring.  
  
Meanwhile, the forces of Mordor floundered in battle. With a tremendous earthquake, the Black Gate toppled. The Enemy was defeated. The Eagles arrived, and rescued BJ and Radar from the island amidst the lava where they waited, presuming it was for their own deaths. Potter saw to their wounds, and they were celebrated as heroes. Klinger and Trapper were reunited with BJ and Radar, who were a little overwhelmed by all the fuss. The swapped stories and tried to figure things out. In Minas Tirith, Kellye was restless. Still recovering, she was confined to the Houses of Healing. It was only General Hamilton, also recuperating, who kept her sane. The two of them developed a rather good friendship, then more, and before either of them knew it, they were engaged. It was difficult, but she gave up any false hopes of love from Hawkeye, and refused to go meet the returning heroes. When she was released from the hospital, she stayed on there and helped with the other wounded. At last, Hamilton, now the steward of Gondor, returned the city to its king. Hawkeye reveled in the attention, but managed a semblance of decorum. Igor was granted clemency and a post under Hamilton in Ithilien. The tree that was a sign of Hawkeye's family was replanted. Soon after, Sidney and Margaret arrived, also accompanied by Soon-Li, and Hawkeye and Margaret were married (it's about time!), amidst jibes and jokes and many sincere congratulations. The time came for the hobbits to return home. The war had been long, and they were grateful to leave. There were no motorcycles, helicopters, or even garbage trucks to take them home, and the way was long. Soon-Li accompanied them as far as Edoras. Stopping by Isengard, they learned Burns had left there a week before. Mulcahy and Scully left to visit the Fangorn; finally, the Fellowship was ended. At the Gap of Rohan, Hawkeye left the company, which soon came across Burns and Flagg, dressed as beggars, and walking to who knows where. Potter again offered them help, but Burns would have none of it. Trapper even gave him some of the tobacco they had rescued from the mess at Isengard, what seemed like years ago. Burns was anything but grateful, calling it the beginning of just repayment for what they'd stolen from him. No one quite understood what he meant, but before they could question, he turned his back on them and scurried off, taking Trapper's tobacco pouch. After a few more days, Soon-Li left them to return to Lórien. Finally coming to Rivendell, the party rested there for several weeks. Henry, still resting there, was almost senile, but he gave gifts to the hobbits before they went on there way. The group passed Weathertop exactly a year after they had first come there, and BJ's old wound ached with the memory. The group began to first notice strange occurences when they came to Bree. Everyone was scared and unfriendly to the strangers. They seemed to expect attack constantly. They were greeted cordially, if not warmly, at Rosie's bar, but heard odd news. Tobacco was in short supply and what there was, was second rate. As they chatted with her, the hobbits soon realized just how out of place they had become. They carried swords and mail, and knew how to use them. Thanks the Entdraught, BJ and Klinger were substantially taller than other Hobbits. Coming to the Shire itself, they found many new rules and regulations, even sillier than most army regulations. They soon found themselves under arrest, thankfully with more clothes than their shorts. They were to be taken to the "Chief", which suited them just fine. Turning the tables on their "captors", the four mounted hobbits quickly got ahead of the MP's. They met up with a group of six ruffians, who were clearly not expecting four armed soldier-hobbits. Though Hawkeye was reluctant to draw his sword, the other three did so, not showing any fear. This was something new to the bandits, used to preying on the helpless. Rather than stand and fight, they disappeared and went after reinforcements. While Hawkeye cautioned them to avoid the deaths of any hobbits, the others quickly roused the Shire. When the brigands appeared, now in force, they found themselves ambushed. The battle that followed saw seventy killed and twelve taken prisoner. Unfortunately, nineteen hobbits were killed, and some thirty more were wounded. Finally getting to the bottom of the matter, they found Burns at the center of it. BJ wouldn't let anyone hurt him, and so didn't give him any chance for revenge. Soon after, however, Flagg showed. Now convinced that Burns had betrayed him, he killed Burns. In the commotion that followed, Flagg too was killed. With Radar's help, the Shire was put to rights again. He helped repair the damage to the trees and gardens, and finally took an official position of leadership, becoming the mayor of the Shire. It wasn't as if it was anything new to him; he had always managed the small details from behind the scenes. He was reluctant for the publicity, but eventually adjusted to it; after all, the Shire needed him. BJ and Henry went with the Elves across the sea, finally getting a much deserved rest, and final relief from old wounds and aches.  
  
A/N: It's DONE!! I'm sorry this has taken so long. I have plans for a couple more stories, but it remains to be seen whether any of them materialize. Thanks for the reviews and encouragement. Until my next story, so long and thanks for reading! 


	11. Appendix: Character Table

Appendix: Table of Characters   
In order of appearance; this will be updated as the characters are introduced.   


Henry Blake
Bilbo

Potter
Gandalf

BJ
Frodo

Radar
Sam

Sackville-Baginses
The Navy

Sgt. Rizzo
Gollum

Klinger
Pippin

Trapper
Merry

Rosie
Barliman Butterbur

Hawkeye
Aragorn

Snipers
Nazgûl

Sidney Freedman
Elrond

Smilin' Jack
Glorfindel

Winchester
Boromir

Mulchahy
Legolas

Scully
Gimli

Margaret
Arwen

Frank Burns
Saruman

Soon-Li
Gadadriel

Sergeant
Éomer

Sophie
Shadoxfax

Flagg
Wormtongue

Nurse Kellye
Éowyn

General Hamilton
Faramir

Igor Stravinski
Beregond

Cowboy
Denethor


End file.
